Movie Review That has More Plastic Than a MasterCard Factory

This is not a review you would expect here but I watched it and writing a review about The Expendables is better than actually watching it.

My husband wanted to watch it because it included a lot of action fallen heroes like Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Jason Stratham, Steve Austin, and Mickey Rourke.  I almost said Ben Kinglsey because I watched Prince of Persia right before that.  I have nothing much to say about Prince of Persia because when you watch The Expendables after any movie, that’s like seeing a pair of an ugly and uglier girl walking down the street.  Suddenly, you don’t really have much to comment on the ugly girl.

The Expendables was a 2 hour long joke for me (not quite 2 hours, but I kept laughing after the movie ended).  It involved a lot of straight up fighting and no BS killing.  It’s like a circus with a physically unproportional white knife throwing man, a chinese midget and Mickey Rourke’s face.

I was busy staring at the actors’ faces trying to figure out what work was done on them that I didn’t focus on the plot but luckily, there was no plot.   So I guess the actors are meant to be stale eye candy for us.

Sly – why the long face, Sly?
Jason – watching his career is like watching a slow motion train wreck, he was good in Guy Ritchie’s films, but after that, it’s just a matter of time before he does porn.
Jet Li – the chinese from Ocean’s 11 was busy so they hired Jet.
Mickey – I was waiting for the moment when his face would start melting.
Steve Austin – He was in the movie??
Black Guy – He looked better in the Tae Bo videos.
Eric Roberts
– He’s the guy that the porn director fired and gets replaced by Jason… only to be hired back after he gets more work done on his face.

The fight scenes feel like each actor is trying to rebuild their resume for the next job, trying hard to prove that they can still kick ass. But Hollywood doesn’t work that way. Ask Nicholas Cage.  He made a pseudo superhero movie and even called it Kick Ass but all I could remember about that movie was that sweet ass kicking child.

I think there are 3 things that could make this movie even better – JCVD, Jackie Chan and Steven Segal.  No scene is complete without Stevo walking in to start and finish the fight in the room.  Even better if Jackie Chan comes in after and does his cheeky fight choreography using Segal’s ponytail… with JCVD meditating in the corner while doing the splits on 2 chairs.  Now that’s a Much Music Movie Awards worthy scene.

In the final scene when the actors got together in the pub, it looked like  a plastic surgery convention.  Guys having a beer, playing with darts, good times… even though I missed first 102 minutes of the movie, the last minute left me leaving feeling pretty good.  So overall, I give it a botox and 2 silicone cheeks up for entertainment value.


Posted on August 31, 2010, in Totally Random and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Mo, you are hilarious!

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